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Would-Be Tesla Arsonist Reconsiders After Watching Wolves Game

PORTLAND, OR - A would-be arsonist was seen on CCTV crouched outside a Tesla dealership last night with at least three gallons of kerosene. However, the man, identified later as Kevin LeDuc, could be seen becoming engrossed with an NBN game on one of the televisions that was left on in the Tesla show room.

As he cupped his hands around his face to peer through the window, LeDuc witnessed the Denver Nuggets defeat the Timberwolves and effectively destroy their play-in dreams. Then, the footage shows LeDuc putting his barrels of kerosene back in his Subaru and leaving the scene without doing any damage to the dealership or its property.

Given that he did not commit any crimes, LeDuc will not see charges pressed against him. NBN Today caught up with the would-be arsonist, who was identified by the various swinging and group sex-related bumper stickers on the back of his vehicle.

"Yes, I did have some nefarious thoughts when I arrived at that Tesla dealership," LeDuc explained. "But then, I guess I just got distracted watching the Wolves' season end on stream."

LeDuc reportedly found the game therapeutic. "I released a lot of my pent-up anger in that moment," he recalled. "Conservatives, billionaires, they're all humans too. Hell, Nazis are humans. And no human deserves to have their property destroyed, even if they purchase luxury goods from an evil man directly involved in intentionally destroying both our nation and the goodwill it has earned over the past two and a half centuries, the same goodwill that made it the leader of the free world and gave our citizens the lives that they enjoy today."

"It just wouldn't be very kind, you know?" LeDuc smiled, before the interview had to be concluded because his spiritual being achieved nirvana and ascended through the ceiling of the NBN Today offices and into the clear, blue sky.

LeDuc's wife and his wife's boyfriend both could not be reached for comment.

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