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Federal Investigation of Marcus Smart Comes Up Emptyhanded: "He just sucks"

WASHINGTON, DC - The Federal Bureau of Investigation revealed today in a press conference that they had recently wrapped up a three-year probe into the possible involvement of Marcus Smart in an illegal betting operation. However, despite their best efforts, the agency admitted that they had found no proof that the two-way guard was fixing his stats at all.

"In all honestly, we saw this as an open-and-shut case," said FBI director Kash Patel. "I'm pretty sure I could go out there and put up better numbers than 2021 Marcus Smart. I think all of us in this room could. But the only crime Marcus seems to have committed is being bad at basketball."

Smart, who has played for six franchises in his NBN career, has only made the playoffs once, in 2022 as a member of the 2022 Warriors. In 2020-21, Smart averaged a putrid 38% true shooting percentage with the Celtics, before being shipped to Oklahoma City, where he went 1-18 in his 19 games and shot 28.7% from the floor. In fact, over his five seasons in the league, Smart has never posted a field goal percentage over 40%.

But results of the federal investigation paint a picture of a hardworking, ethical basketball player. Phone records showed that Smart had never logged into or sent communications about betting sites at all. His Google search history only showed innocuous results like "how 2 shoot better", "best drill 4 becoming the next steff [sic]", and "will i be fired if i go 0/11 again". 

"It was a little sad, really," stated Patel. "This man isn't a criminal. He is just very, very bad at his job."

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