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Ben Simmons Signs with Memphis, Shocks NBN

MEMPHIS, TN - Socialite Ben Simmons stunned the NBN this week, choosing to sign for one year with the Memphis Grizzlies over a multi-year sentence with the Orlando Magic Labor Camp for Former Stars and Unloved Sons.

"It was a tough choice," Simmons explained in an Instagram Live broadcast. "At the end of the day, I guess I felt like Memphis is where I'd be appreciated and I also would rather not be put to labor in a mosquito-ridden swamp."

Simmons will join Jayson Tatum and fill in for an injured Ja Morant as the Grizzlies make a playoff push in a competitive Western Conference. However, not everyone saw his decision to choose a playoff team over hard labor in a mosquito-ridden swamp as so clear-cut.

"It makes no sense to me," said Magic owner hkd. "We have everything you want here - mosquitoes, swamps, hard labor - and plenty of stars to work alongside, such as LeBron James and Salary Floor Hold."

"Imagine Ben throwing lobs to SFH," he lamented, his cry muffled by the drone of hundreds of thousands of mosquitoes.

When asked if he'd consider Orlando this summer in free agency, Simmons seemed unsure. 

"It's true, the swamp life there is amazing for a young troglodyte like me," he explained. "But I hate how when I open my mouth it fills up with mosquitoes. Just a sensation I can't stand."

This article is dedicated to the inmates at Orlando Magic Labor Camp for Former Stars and Unloved Sons who have sadly passed away this year before the conclusion of their sentences. Rest in peace to Justin Lewis, 21; Reggie Bullock, 33; Tyty Washington, 23; Thaddeus Young, 36; Cameron Reddish, 25; Kai Jones, 24; Cody Martin, 29; Eric Gordon, 36; and Gary Payton II, 32.

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