One of my favorite pieces of basketball media each year was Bill Simmons’ and (later, just) Zach Lowe’s LeaguePass rankings. The rankings were not based on who would win the title, or who would win the most regular-season games. There is plenty of time to discuss and argue about those things.
Instead, the LeaguePass rankings sorted teams based on how much it was worth your time to watch them. Which ones should you invest a precious 2.5 hour window into each night? Which ones want you make you want to rip your eyes out?
Lowe’s rankings were based on 0-10 scores for 5 factors: playoffs/zeitgeist, individual player/highlight appeal, hoops style, LeaguePass minutiae, and unintentional comedy. Being the NBN LeaguePass Ranking Czar (self-appointed), I have decided to tweak the factors and their definitions slightly, while staying as true as possible to the original scoring structure.
Playoffs/Zeitgeist
I kept this factor the same. This score is based on how much this team is discussed and whether this translates to watchability. Are they at the forefront of the collective NBN consciousness? Is it because they are doing noteworthy things or because they are playing Capture the Flagg?
Highlight potential
This is a little tougher to quantify in an almost entirely quick-sim league, but I am mostly staying true to the idea behind this factor. This is the “wow” factor of the teams’ individual players. Are they going to post some crazy highlights during streamed games? Will they post box scores that get the server popping?
Hoop style
Another thing that is hard to quantify, but this roughly translates to how well teams play and perform on NBN streams. I used a little bit of imagination to decide how much I would enjoy watching this team play IRL, as well.
#leaguetalk factor
My replacement of the minutiae category. We don’t have team announcers. Courts, uniforms, mascots, and in-arena events do not matter here. Instead, I’ve replaced it with #leaguetalk factor. How likely is this team to do something that gets the people going? Is their FO going to engage in trash talk? Will their performance trigger a 400-message conversation at 3pm on a Tuesday?
Unintentional comedy
Unfortunately, there are a lot fewer opportunities for in-game shenanigans here than IRL. Fortunately, there are other ways comedy can be achieved. Insanely low point totals, someone shooting 1/15, unintentionally bad regular season performance, front-office hooliganism, and overall memeability count towards this score.
In memory of Zach Lowe, KyleWTF, and the PS5 College Football 25 online dynasty, let’s get into the PolandSprings NBN Leaguepass rankings
30. Portland Trail Blazers (15 points)
Poor Flash. This team is really, really bad without much of the fun stuff that other bad teams have (draft picks, exciting players). They are really banking on Anthony Black hitting big. Him and Nickeil Alexander-Walker will make life tough for opposing guards, but that is about the most damage Portland will do. Their offense is going to be really rough to watch. Jerami Grant and Nick Smith isos, anyone?
29. Miami Heat (20)
This team might be painful to follow. There’s young guys here, sure. Keegan Murray! Cody Williams! Taylor Hendricks! Kel’el Ware! None of these are particularly exciting from a highlight/box score standpoint. Their backcourt of Tyler Herro, Tre Jones, and Buddy Hield can shoot, at least. There is a lot of room for unreal shooting performances on both ends of the spectrum, equal opportunity for 20/25s and 2/18s alike. Do not ask about the defense.
28. Toronto Raptors (21)
Hey look! It’s my team! Our offense is still likely to be bad, even with the additions of Trey Murphy and Dalton Knecht. The team is largely the same as last year, and we were not particularly exciting last year. I understand if you do not follow our season very close. At least Amen and Dalton Knecht will dunk on people, I guess?
27 (tie). Los Angeles Clippers and Houston Rockets (22)
Our first tie! These teams both got these scores in very different ways.
You could argue that the Clippers should be higher. Their team is not tragic. It’s bad, sure. D’Angelo Russell/Coby White/Cam Johnson/Aaron Gordon/Thomas Bryant should at least be a watchable 5 though. Gordon and Obi Toppin will get dunks. Jarace Walker’s development should be interesting to track. This team is not super exciting, but you could do worse for a Game of the Week stream in, say, November.
Houston’s team is definitely worse than the Clippers, but there is so much room for hilarity. First of all, Kamal’s consistent presence in #leaguetalk bumps them up here. There is a lot of potential for his presence be enough for people to want to dunk on him for his team’s performance. Shoutout Jonny. A Jordan Poole-Jalen Green backcourt should be fun on so many levels. Andrew Wiggins and Isaac Okoro may be called upon to fill big offensive roles, for which they are both underqualified. There is a lot of potential for quirky statlines and “WTF” moments with this team, even while they are playing really, really bad basketball.
25. Orlando Magic (23)
This team is going after Cooper Flagg. No question about it. They will lose a lot of games. By February, they may not even be worth doing stats for. But until they send Alex Sarr and Ausar Thompson to Paris, there is some intrigue here. Young players! Cam Thomas! Bub Carrington! GG Jackson! Bronny? Moses Moody?? Thad Young! Seven-man rotations! hkd is always a joy in #leaguetalk, too.
24. Los Angeles Lakers (24)
AK and company seem confident that they are on the brink of something with this team. I am… not as optimistic. Immanuel Quickley is their best player. They have a lot of interesting young guys, sure. I am not sure how much superstar upside there is in this group, however. Which player has the clearest path to being an All-Star? Quickley? Cam Whitmore? Matas Buzelis? Walker Kessler? I hope for the Lakers’ sake that some of these guys hit, but I think this season will be rough to watch outside of Whitmore dunks and Draymond-related hilarity.
23. Philadelphia Sixers (25)
To be fair to Kman and company, this team does have play-in upside. However, as Sun Tzu once said in The Art of War, “play-in upside is no upside at all.” But hey! The East sucks! Maybe the Sixers can get the 8 seed and get 4-0’d by the Cavs! This team is largely the same as last year, but they will be watchable. Keep an eye on their younger guys. I am a massive Devin Vassell truther, and think he will take a leap this year. Josh Giddey may look better in a new IRL context and be ready to take over from the expiring Ben Simmons (who singlehandedly knocks this score down at least 3 points). Jalen Johnson is a stud. Can Ron Holland and Jared McCain contribute in their rookie years?
22. Sacramento Kings (26)
The Kings of Theseus have done it once again. Of every player on the 2023-24 roster that got any amount of playing time, only one is on the 2024-25 roster. That player? Josh Minott, who played a whopping 126 minutes across 11 games. I am sure that T1Gal is trading him as we speak. Look, this team is probably going to be bad. I have no idea how bad, but I do not think they will be in the playoff hunt. There is a lot of talent in the backcourt, however. Bradley Beal is here thanks to the James Harden trade (yes, he was a King). Scoot Henderson, Reed Sheppard, Keyonte George, Isaiah Collier, Brandin Podziemski, and Shaedon Sharpe (if you count him as a guard. I’ll include him for argument’s sake) are all here, too. That is a lot of young guards! NBN Kings fans, choose your jersey purchases wisely. There is a 65% chance of that player getting traded. It makes for good content, at least.
21. Atlanta Hawks (27)
The first full year of the post-Trae Young era! This team has enough talent to win some games. Bam Adebayo and Jaden McDaniels are a solid defensive foundation. Cade Cunningham should really pop IRL now that he is free from Troy Weaver and Monty Williams. I am really curious to see how Dejounte Murray fares in New Orleans IRL. I do not love his fit next to Cade, but if Murray can regain some defensive prowess and ups his three point volume, then there is something to work with. This is a meh-to-bad team, but these players are mostly young with room to grow. It could be a fun, “let’s see what we got” type year for the Hawks.
20. Dallas Mavericks (29)
Whoo boy, the Mavericks. Lamelo Ball-Domantas Sabonis-RJ Barrett is not a bad core. You could certainly do worse. Beyond that though, this roster is rough. Trayce-Jackson Davis and Ryan Dunn are the only bench pieces I feel good about (besides Devin Carter, but he is out for an extended period with an injury). That is a second-year big and a rookie who has flashed some things in preseason. Yikes. The Mavs will either have to cut their rotation short or pray that Kevin Porter Jr. can carry bench lineups.
19.
Denver is in a really, really tough spot. Nikola Jokic is carrying the weight of this ranking on his large, pasty shoulders. Without him, this team would be way lower. The roster is barren. DeMar DeRozan and Jrue Holiday can only do so much. Collin Sexton may be the only player who can run faster than my grandmother. DeMar and Jokic should at least make the viewing experience interesting, at least.
18. Charlotte Hornets (30)
The Hornets might get off to a slow start. A large chunk of their roster is rookies. However, if they get rating boosts, this team will be really intriguing. Paolo-Franz-MPJ is a fun wing group. Throw in Stephon Castle, Zaccharie Risacher, Zach Edey, and Corey Kispert, and you have some jumbo lineup potential that will be hard for opponents to stop. I love Rob Dillingham and his fit here. He could provide a much-needed injection of pace and unpredictability to this offense. I do not know how many games the Hornets will win this year, but they will be frisky. This would be a really fun IRL team.
17. Minnesota Timberwolves (31)
After whiffing on some big free agents, Jonny’s Wolves enter the season slightly underarmed but never unentertaining. I love the additions of Bennedict Mathurin and Mark Williams for them. Williams needs to stay healthy IRL because he has the potential to be an excellent defensive anchor. His pick-and-rolls with DeAaron Fox will be fun. Mathurin adds a much-needed scoring punch. There are solid role players up and down the roster, including Bogdan Bogdanovic, Kelly Olynyk, and Ayo Dosunmu. Minnesota should win a solid number of games. Regardless of their performance, Jonny Rozay will continue to carry #leaguetalk on his back.
16. (tie) New York Knicks and Detroit Pistons (32)
Another tie!
I have no idea what to make of the Knicks. They just made the conference finals and dominated in each of their first two rounds. However, their regular season performance tends to lag behind other contenders. Evan Mobley and Anthony Davis are an excellent defensive tandem. Lu Dort will hound opposing guards. I have concerns about the offense. Davis, Zach Lavine, and Fred VanVleet are their top scoring options. None of these three are bad, but it leaves a lot to be desired frankly. Regardless, the Knicks’ defense and their playoff run show that this team is capable of great performances. They should be a fun watch.
Trae Young and Anthony Edwards are an electric duo in Detroit. They bump the highlight potential for this team up to a 10 by themselves. The rest of the team is less interesting on principle, but still intriguing. Julius Randle will score. The big room is solid. I am curious to see how they find minutes for all of Clint Capela, Wendell Carter, and Bobby Portis, though. Jaden Ivey and Gradey Dick’s development will be fun to track. Ivey is free from the arbitrary shackles Monty Williams placed upon him. His athleticism and shiftiness add some much-needed chaos to the bench unit. They will need Dick’s 3-point shooting to open up the floor; their stars can shoot, but the rest of roster is full of meh-to-bad shooters. Keldon Johnson’s development will be an X-factor for this team. If he can bump up his shooting efficiency, he would be a great compliment to the starters. That would me feel more comfortable in his ability to run some Trae and Ant bench minutes, too.
14. Memphis Grizzlies and Washington Wizards (33)
This tie just feels right on so many levels. These are two teams who may not be near the top of their respective conferences, but will be a ton of fun to watch because of their FOs.
Ja Morant is must-see TV by himself. Brandon Miller is one of the most exciting wing prospects in the league. Alperen Sengun has grown into an excellent offensive hub. Pascal Siakam is an incredibly productive star on both ends. The NBN Grizzlies have not quite hit the heights of their IRL counterparts, but it feels like this might be the year they put it all together. That core four is surrounded by a great set of role players. Norman Powell, Malcolm Brogdon, Jaime Jaquez, Andrew Nembhard, and Santi Aldama are all capable rotation pieces. Their lack of past success hurts them a little, but this team should avoid the play-in this year. Meem and wonder are a fun FO tandem.
Oh, Wizards. How we all love the Wizards. NBN Siberia has been conquered by Avatar and friends, and boy am I ready for their season. This team might stink, in all honesty. But if you’re tracking the Wizards’ season, it is not for basketball. This FO is chaos and I am here for it. In a bad Eastern conference, the combination of James Harden-Anfernee Simons-Aaron Nesmith-Nikola Vucevic might be enough to sneak into the play-in. If so, the Wiz boys will be running riot in #leaguetalk. On a serious basketball note, I am very excited to watch Donovan Clingan in the NBA. He feels like someone that will translate well to 2k.
12. Golden State Warriors (34)
The Warriors had a great regular season last year, finishing as the 3 seed. They just so happened to run into the buzzsaw that is the NBN Suns. They are set up well to run it back this year. Steph Curry is must-see TV. Scottie Barnes continues to develop. His growth is crucial for this team. They will go where he goes this year. OG Anunoby deservedly signed a fat new deal and fits this roster really well. Mitchell Robinson has always produced in the NBN. I am a little concerned about the bench depth, but the starting lineup is so good. This team will win games in the regular season. Will it translate to the playoffs?
11. Indiana Pacers (35)
Oh, Indy. What can I say that has not been said before? This is an excellent sim team that always wins a ton of regular season games. Kyrie is excellent. Jalen Brunson is an All-NBA level player. The rest of the roster is thin though. Tobias Harris is back. They are very reliant on Robert Williams and Duncan Robinson. All that really matters, though, is playoff success. The Pacers have never quite found a winning formula come playoff time. Until that happens, people will not take this team as seriously as the Pacers probably believe they should.
10. Milwaukee Bucks (36)
I am once again asking for the Bucks to get a real point guard. Giannis/Porzingis/Middleton is a good core, even if Middleton has regressed in recent years. Miles Bridges adds a layer of dynamism and punch to their offense, no pun intended. The bench is full of bit-part players and scraps, though I like the Bruce Brown addition. This is another Eastern Conference team that will win games in the regular season, but whose success will be measured by playoff performance. They will be good and enjoyable to watch, at least.
9. Oklahoma City Thunder (37)
Last year’s Thunder turned out to be a one-year affair, which makes sense. They were expensive and some key pieces were getting old. They are now looking to regroup under new ownership and big roster changes. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, Jaylen Brown, Desmond Bane, DeAndre Hunter, and Jonas Valanciunas is a good, cohesive starting 5. The bench has some pieces that can contribute. Caleb Martin and Gabe Vincent are excellent minimum signings. Marcus Sasser should build upon a strong rookie year. This team makes sense on the whole. They should win a lot of games. They are young enough to sustain this window. I do not think they will win the championship this year, but there is a lot to like here.
8. Brooklyn Nets (38)
This roster is unbelievably talented. Zion and KD are one of the best duos in the league, hands down. Lonzo is back! Derrick White and Alex Caruso are plumbers. They can turn anyone’s water off any given night. Nic Claxton and Ivica Zubac are a great center battery. Christian Braun might play a key role this year. Top to bottom, this is one of the best rosters in the NBN.
It feels like this needs to be the year for the Nets. The Cavs are still here and are a matchup from hell for this Nets team, sure. But this team is incredibly well constructed. They have shooting. Their guards are all capable passers. They have great defensive personnel. This team is poised to compete. The time is now. KD is 36 and a lot of their roster is on expiring deals. It will be hard. The Cavs are a juggernaut. But if anyone is going to topple the reigning champs out East, it just might be the Nets.
7. Utah Jazz (40)
Schu has overseen one of the most successful rebuilds in the league. The Jazz are coming off a year where they were the top seed in the West and made the Conference Finals. The roster is mostly unchanged, but hey! If it ain’t broke, sign Grayson Allen to a minimum and call it a day.
Jimmy Butler and Donovan Mitchell remain one of the best scoring duos in the league. They have different styles that compliment each other perfectly. Mitchell is a tremendous athlete who hit all kinds of difficult shots inside and hits threes at a great clip. His drive open up a lot for the rest of this Jazz offense. Butler is more physical and methodical, operating mostly on the interior using his strength. Either one of these guys can go get a bucket when you need it. Guarding both of them is damn near impossible. Factor in Mike Conley’s playmaking, Myles Turner’s defense, and a good group of role players, and you have a ready made contender once more.
6. San Antonio Spurs (41)
The Spurms are running it back. Luka Doncic enters year 2 as a Spur, after Bryn did things prohibited by the Geneva Convention to get him out of Dallas. He is an MVP-caliber player and a walking top-10 offense. Putting Paul George and Chet Holmgren next to him is unfair. Those are two glove-like fits with their shooting and defensive ability. Holmgren will play most of his minutes at the 4 next to Jakob Poeltl or Brook Lopez at center. This gives San Antonio more rebounding and interior physicality.
Speaking of, this team is full of physicality. Luka loves using his body to worm his way towards the basket or get fouled. Poeltl and Lopez are strong forces who are good at using their body to get positioning inside on both ends. George and Kyle Kuzma are big, physical, and versatile wings. Tari Eason is a physical specimen and tremendous athlete. Dillon Brooks fights like all hell, sometimes literally, to disrupt opposing offenses. This team will beat the life out of you if you let them.
Derrick Jones Jr. and Isaiah Joe are big offseason additions, and they might not even play (although sources tell me Isaiah Joe was promised starter. We will see. Bryn probably wrote that with his fingers crossed behind his back). That should tell you all you need to know about this team.
5. Chicago Bulls (42)
Chicago is ascending rapidly. Drafting Victor Wembanyama helps, but give credit to this front office. They have surrounded Wemby with a deep and versatile group of players. Jamal Murray is a steady hand at point with playoff experience. Wemby-Murray pick and rolls will be lethal. Wemby is hard to stop at any level with the ball in his hands. Switch a guard or wing onto him and he will shoot right over him. Put a plodding big onto him and he can drive past them, or Murray can attack. Double either at your own risk; they are both great passers capable of finding the opening in your defense.
CJ McCollum is a little similar in playstyle to Murray for my liking, but he adds a layer of experience and scoring. Jabari Smith is a great defender and is growing into a high-level starter. Jalen Duren has a lot of potential if he can figure out how to stay on the floor defensively. Malik Monk and Kelly Oubre are athletic scorers capable of getting their own or taking advantage of spaces that Wemby, Murray, or McCollum open up. There are a ton of other interesting guys who will get looks: Isaiah Stewart, Sam Merril, Scotty Pippen Jr., Julian Strawther. If some of these guys develop into legit, winning role players, Chicago may have enough to pull off an upset in the East playoffs. Take advantage of the pre-championship-contender Bulls while you can. They’re coming at you fast.
4. Phoenix Suns (43)
The Suns are, once again, the team to beat out West. Kawhi Leonard, Devin Booker, and Mikal Bridges are a formidable trio on their own. Their supporting cast includes Jalen Williams, Derrick Lively, DeAndre Ayton, Deni Avdija, Jalen Suggs, Rui Hachimura, I could go on. This team is deep. There is very little weakness here, with so much room for optionality. Leonard, Bridges, and Williams are all long and switchable. Good luck trying to prod at any of them defesnively. Booker is the weak point in the starting lineup on defense, and he is not even bad! He competes and does his job. If he is guarding your worst player on the floor, I am sure that the Suns will live with you trying to attack that matchup. I am intrigued by the Lively/Ayton tandem. The Suns have found a lot of success with Ayton at the 5, but Lively had an incredible rookie year. Keep an eye on how Phoenix utilizes these two and balances their minutes.
Phoenix was 1 possession away from going back to back. They are coming out with a vengeance. They show no signs of slowing down. Good luck beating them in a 7 game series this year if they stay healthy. You are going to need a lot of it.
3. New Orleans Pelicans (44)
From the ashes of a self-destructing rubber duck arose a car racing, misspelling, Indiana native who has transformed this roster in a year. Tyrese Maxey is a star. JD surrounded him with a really talented roster. Jarrett Allen is one of the best bigs in the league. Lauri Markkanen is a fantastic scoring forward with a versatile offensive skillset. He is a mismatch for many defenders. Damian Lillard’s fit next to Maxey is not exactly natural, but there is too much talent here. They will figure out a balance. Klay Thompson is definitely in the twilight of his career, but his shooting will help.
My biggest concern with this team is the defense. Jarrett Allen is going to be asket to do a lot on that end. The other 4 starters are not plus defenders. Klay, at this stage, can only do so much; asking him to defend the other team’s best player is a lot for him. I wish that their bench had some defensive versatility, but most of their role players are offensive-minded.
Regardless, this is a team to watch out for in the West. A lot of teams have fallen off in that conference. This Pelicans team has a lot of offensive firepower. JD is one of the best characters in the league. Regardless of playoff outcome, this is going to be a lot of fun.
2. Boston Celtics (45)
After Washington ownership changed hands, Bronamo’s phone lines blew up with teams asking about Embiid. Boston emerged victorious. As a Sixers fan IRL, seeing Embiid in a Celtics fan makes me physically ill. As an NBN fan, I am deeply excited. Embiid and Tatum is a lethal combination. Two of the top 10 players in the league, both of whom excel on both ends of the floor. Woof. Chris Paul is a steady hand at point. He does not have to shoulder a large scoring burden and can focus on being a floor general. Kentavious Caldwell-Pope adds another two-way skillset to compliment the starters. Malik Beasley and DeAnthony Melton are solid rotation guards. Jonathan Kuminga is growing still, but has popped as an athletic scorer in his young career.
Look, there is a lot that could go wrong with this team. The bench gets thin quick. Kuminga is not a reliable shooter, and may clog some spacing. Embiid needs to stay healthy. I do not think they are as deep or versatile as Cleveland or even Brooklyn. But this team has a lot of new shiny toys. They are going to be one of the best teams to watch in the league. If it goes south, it is going to be a ton of fun clowning on Adams. If it goes well, he is going to talk his talk. Either way, the league wins.
1. Cleveland Cavaliers (46)
Surprise surprise! The reigning champs top my LeaguePass rankings. This team is unbelievably good. LeBron is LeBron. Darius Garland, Tyrese Haliburton, and Brandon Ingram can all handle the rock and score. The former two are excellent passers and keep the offense flowing. Herb Jones is an otherworldly defender. Godspeed scoring on pick and rolls which Jones and Rudy Gobert defend. Tyus Jones, Isaiah Hartenstein, Jeremy Sochan, and Larry Nance are all bit-part players on this team but are good enough to be solifiied parts of rotations elsewhere. Hartenstein got 20m a year IRL to start for an IRL contender, and he’s the Cavs’ backup. That is how deep this team is.
LeBron does not have much time left. As long as he’s active though, this Cavs team will compete. Their team is young enough to continue this run. Haliburton, Garland, and Sochan all have room to grow. The rest of the roster is not going anywhere, either. Gobert is 32 but has aged well so far. Ingram is only 27! He is far overqualified to be the 3rd best player on this team, at least in NBN terms. His numbers in 2k have been unreal.
These guys are deep. Their talent is overwhelming. LeBron returned home to win championships. The Cavs show no signs of stopping at one. They are the team to watch in the NBN this year.
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